The Scream, A Form Of Communication In Many Families

The scream overexcites our brain, puts us on alert and threatens the subtle balance of our emotions. Unfortunately, that form of hurtful communication based on an always high tone of voice is something very common in many families. Thus, discomfort and invisible aggressions impact on some and on others, leaving very deep consequences.

The always brilliant Jardiel Poncela used to say that whoever has nothing to say, says it loudly. However, curious as it may seem, there are those who do not understand any other form of communication other than that where the cry helps them to ask for the cutlery that is in front, to draw the attention of the child next to them or even to comment on the television program that you are watching as a family. There are people who do not know how to communicate without anxiety, theirs or the one they project.

“I can’t help it” , they justify themselves. Avoiding raising their voices is beyond their control because it is the timbre and it is the tone that they have heard from the earliest childhood, because it is the cry that has always served them to be noticed, to mark territory to raise authority and also, for what not, to channel rages, frustrations and contained egos that look for escape valves.

Not by raising their voices they will hear us better, we know, but often it is necessary to shout because it is the only frequency that we know to communicate, the only channel with which to visualize ourselves in front of others without knowing that if one shouts it is very likely that the other responds in the same way, thus shaping a disordered and coercive relational dynamic.

Something that unfortunately abounds in many families …

The scream silently destroys our relationships

The scream, beyond what it may seem, has a very specific purpose in nature itself, both in human beings and in other animals : to safeguard our survival and that of the group in the face of danger. Let’s take a simple example. We are in the middle of the jungle, walking, enjoying that natural balance. Suddenly, a cry is heard, it is a capuchin monkey that emits a high-pitched screech that pierces our brain.

Now, that cry not only serves as a warning “alarm” for his people. Most animals in that environment, like us, react with fear, with expectation. It is a defense mechanism that controls a very specific structure of the brain: the amygdala. It is enough to listen to a high-pitched sound, a high tone of voice so that this small area of ​​the brain instantly interprets it as a threat and activates our sympathetic nervous system to activate the flight.

Knowing that, understanding this biological and instinctive basis, we can already deduce what it means, for example, to grow up in an environment where shouting abounds and where communication always occurs with a high tone of voice. The brain lives in a state of constant alarm. The adrenaline is always there, the feeling that we have to defend ourselves from “something” plunges us into a state of chronic stress, permanent, unsettling anguish.

On the other hand, what further intensifies this reality is that when faced with an aggressive communication style, it is common to generate defensive responses with the same emotional charge, with the same offensive component. In this way, we consciously or unconsciously fall into a vicious circle and into such a destructive dynamic where we all accumulate consequences in this complex jungle of human relationships where the quality of communication is everything.

Families that communicate with yelling

Laura is 18 years old and has just realized something that she had not fallen into until now. Speak in a very high tone of voice. His college classmates often point out that his voice is the most heard in class and that when they are in a group his way of communicating is somewhat threatening.

Laura wants to control that aspect of her person. She knows that it will not be easy, because at home, her parents and siblings always communicate that way: by yelling. It is not necessary that there be any discussion, simply, that is the tone of voice with which he has always grown up and to which he has become accustomed. He also knows that at home, the one who shouts is the one who makes himself heard, and that raising his voice is necessary because television is always open, because everyone is in their own things and because… there is not excessive harmony.

In this case, Laura must understand that a family dynamic cannot be changed from one day to the next. She cannot change others, neither her parents nor her siblings, but she can change herself. What you can and should do is cognitively control your own verbal style to understand that whoever shouts is attacking, that you do not have to raise your voice to be heard and that often, a serene and calm tone of voice serves to connect much better with others .

With this simple example we want to make something very simple clear: sometimes, we cannot change those who raised us, we cannot edit our past or erase those family dynamics where the scream was always present even if it was just to ask ourselves the time or how we had gotten out the exam.

We cannot change the past, but we can prevent that communication style from characterizing us in our present, in our friendship or partner relationships, in our own homes. Let us remember that reason is not stronger because it is shouted at times, the one who knows how to shut up and listen is more intelligent and the one who knows how and in what way to communicate is wiser still.