Prosthesis Love

Love and relationships are thought-provoking topics. Much has been theorized about this feeling that it can be so captivating, constructive, and destructive. It depends on how it is built or how it is used, love can motivate us to grow or prevent us from growing. Furthermore, in a society where the ideal of romanticism prevails, it is sometimes difficult to build a healthy and fluid love relationship.

On more occasions than we would like, psychologists meet people whose Achilles heel is called love. Perfectly functional in their jobs, in their family or social relationships and in other vital areas, they break into pieces when they run into a relationship. Why is this happening?

The experiences lived in childhood and also, sometimes, in adolescence or early adulthood, leave a deep impression. The relationship with our parents, the parenting styles we grew up with, poorly developed self-esteem, etc., can lay the foundation that predisposes us to toxic relationships.

When a child has not acquired security and self-confidence in childhood, it is difficult for them to show those skills as an adult. There is a void in him that he needs to fill in some way.

It is not a question of “blaming” anyone, just people are not perfect. As parents, we sometimes make mistakes. Almost mostly, related to a system that ” forces ” us to spend time away from our homes, to neglect issues as relevant as family, to go quickly and under stress.

Barely without realizing it, children feel lonely. They feel that their parents, their reference in life, are not usually available and that is when the idea of ​​”abandonment” arises.

Void and prosthetic love

When we break a leg and have surgery, we are usually “prescribed” a wheelchair or crutch. These “prostheses” help us to combat our deficiency and, thanks to them, we can continue to walk and function in life. That is, when we physically need a prosthesis, it becomes functional until we are able to function without it.

On a psychological level and in reference to love, the same thing happens many times. The absence of our parents, abuse, childhood trauma, etc. they cause us to develop a lack or affective emptiness. That “hole” that remains in our soul, and that persists into adulthood, is so painful and disabling that we need to go out and find the crutch to function. But surprise! it is not as effective as when we break a leg.

The result is that the couple does not work, it becomes toxic. On the one hand, the lack we feel generates feelings of jealousy, possession or dependence, since we try to prevent this “abandonment” from happening again.

On the other hand, it is possible that our partner will eventually abandon us or treat us badly in some way, as has happened to us in the past. It is not magic, it is not by chance. When one develops a scheme, it is normal to come across another scheme that “complements” it. That’s why we say to ourselves, “it ‘s that the same thing always happens to me “, ” I’m not lucky in love.”

Without being conscious, we are re-enacting the situations that we lived long ago. We can be moved by an immense fear of being alone, of being left. For every couple we meet and fail, the void grows bigger. The idea of ​​abandonment and failure in love is fed over and over again. What are we failing in?

What if I walk without a prosthesis?

To answer the last question, we have to realize that going out looking for prosthetic love or prosthetic love is not the right strategy. Perhaps it can be functional in the short term, but it will be a heavy burden if we project it towards the horizon.

There, in a fanciful way, it can give us the feeling that it is a positive stimulus for our self-esteem, that we are finally well, that now “ everything is going to work ”. Nevertheless, that’s not how it happens. Before a relationship works for us and that love becomes for us a path without so many obstacles, it is necessary that the love that we think we need be born from us for us.

We grow when we learn to hug and feel good about ourselves, with our own inner dialogue. That is why in these conditions, making peace with loneliness is a great start. Force yourself to be alone for a while, make plans alone, tolerate boredom or the emotions that run through your body.

Without dependencies, without deficiencies, without necessity. Start with someone because it adds to you, because it contributes to you, because it is beautiful, easy, healthy, fun … Not because it is necessary. At this point, you will no longer depend on any prosthetic to walk. You will walk alone and that void will be covered with your own esteem.

Do you dare to love yourself unconditionally and to let go of the love of prosthetics?