The Self-confidence Game

We are all concerned, to a greater or lesser extent, with the level of confidence we have in ourselves and that is why we are involved in intense struggles to improve it. When we fail, we tend to think that the problem is ours: we have failed at something or perhaps we are not so good. What if we had fallen into a trap?

Russ Harris, an English psychotherapist, affirms that the lack of confidence in oneself is not a matter of personal defects, but that the rules of the game of confidence are not known,  either because we never consider it or because even if we have In fact, society has provided us with the wrong rules to play it.

Even though some of these flawed rules have worked for us for a while, chances are they didn’t really provide what we were looking for. So how do you play properly?

What do we want trust for?

Why do you need to trust yourself? Think about it before continuing.

The answer is simple: we want confidence because we want to make changes to improve our lives, either to achieve our dreams and goals or to have better results in a certain area. So we don’t just want trust, we want it for something, as Harris claims.

The importance of personal values ​​and goals

The previous question provides us with the goals and values ​​that help us define the fundamental aspects related to those doses of confidence that we want so much.

On the one hand, values ​​define how we want to act, under what principles we want to live and what personal qualities and character traits we want to cultivate and, on the other hand, goals define what we want to achieve, achieve or possess. While the goals are finite, that is, they have an end when they are reached, the values ​​are always in motion. Now, what relationship do they have with trust?

Values ​​inspire us, motivate us, and keep us on the journey of trust development. In a way, living according to them gives us satisfaction, even when we cannot achieve our goals and objectives.

Knowing what values ​​we want to incorporate into our lives and what goals we want to achieve will help us define more precisely the changes we need to make to shape our first steps on our journey to trust.

The trust gap

There is a place where we can get trapped when we are heading towards the achievement of our dreams, the one in which fear appears to tell us that if we do not have enough confidence, we will not be able to achieve our goals, perform at our best, or act as we wish.

It may surprise us, since this message is often launched in society, but the truth is that the more we cling to this belief, the further we will get away from the kind of life we ​​want. Because do we really think that the feeling of trust will come out to meet us? Is it possible that we suddenly have more confidence to start doing what is really important to us?

The answer is no, at least in the long term. Perhaps through some exercise, reading a book or conversation with a friend we feel more spirited, but these will not take long to fade. If we want to do something with confidence, we have to work for it and for this we need to practice over and over again the right skills that allow us to achieve it.

Thus, every time we practice, we will be performing an act of trust, of supporting ourselves, of betting on ourselves. And only after a lot of practice, a lot of time and effort, we will achieve the expected results and we will begin to perceive the feeling of confidence. In short, as Russ Harris puts it: “ Acts of trust come first; feelings of trust come later . “

Now, although it is very easy to say, it is not that simple in real life, mainly because we have a mind that does not like changes, so it will try to sabotage us through our thoughts in any way.

” I don’t have time “, ” I’m tired and unmotivated “, ” I’ll do it next week … ” and a long etc. are the typical excuses that he will launch. These are mental traps to which it is relatively easy to fall if we are afraid of being confused, we do not think we are good enough or we move slowly, totally normal beliefs.

Why do we lack confidence?

Although each and every one of us experiences confidence in certain aspects, there are a number of reasons that prevent us from having it in others according to Harris. They are as follows:

• Expectations too high and related to the idea of ​​being perfect.
• Judge us with great severity. A totally normal aspect in human beings: we have a certain tendency to criticize ourselves, tell negative stories about the future, feel dissatisfied or resort to past experiences in which we do not come out well.
• Great concern for fear. Who does not experience fear at some point? The problem is not experiencing it, but holding on tightly to fear and living through it.
• Lack of experience. We cannot feel secure in something if we have little experience about it, but this does not imply that we cannot develop it.
• Lack of skills. Unless we are really good at something, it is impossible to feel confident about doing it.

These psychological barriers prevent the development of self-confidence as long as we remain trapped in them and think that there are no ways to destroy them or to seek alternatives.

The Trust Cycle

Now that we know why we need to trust, what the trust gap consists of and the reasons why we lack that feeling of security, it is convenient to know how we can do things better. To do this, we will use Russ Harris’s trust cycle, which is made up of four steps or phases:

• Practice the skills. What practice comes to say makes perfect. Of course, for this we will have to face those psychological barriers that our mind will set up.
• Apply them effectively. It will not be enough to practice, but we will also have to be skillful in applying our skills. To do this, we will have to be brave and step out of our comfort zone into real life and the challenges it offers us. A very helpful resource is practicing mindfulness, that is, connecting with the present, with what we are doing.

• Assess the results. Once the skills have been applied, it is necessary to assess what their results were, what worked and what didn’t, and what can be done differently. For this, it is essential not to judge or reproach ourselves harshly, but to carry it out from a learning attitude and not from the demand for perfectionism.
• Make the necessary changes. This last step has to do with continuing to do what is working and changing what is not working.

The trust cycle may seem ambiguous and overly complex, however it is something that we have already done or are doing and not once, but many times. We just have to think about what we have security in and that today we do it naturally.

Reading, cooking, driving, painting, dancing, speaking in public, solving mathematical calculations, riding a bicycle, writing, organizing … All of these are examples of skills that at first we did not know how to perform but that with practice, time and effort we have managed to do. Of course, some people will be more skilled in some than in others, the important thing is to be aware that we do not have zero confidence levels.

How to win in the confidence game?

So what are the proper rules to be victorious in the confidence game? According to the doctor and psychotherapist Russ Harris they are the following:

• Acts of trust come first ; feelings of trust come later.
• Authentic confidence is not based on the absence of fear, but on relating to this emotion in a different way. That is to say, a person with self-confidence is not that he is not afraid, but that despite this he continues to move forward because he has learned to get the best out of his relationship with him.
• Negative thoughts are normal. It is not necessary to fight against them, but to defuse with them, that is, to know that they are only beliefs, learn to distance oneself from them and understand that they do not define us completely.

• Self-acceptance is the triumph of self-esteem. Accepting us is key to improving our levels of trust.
• Values must be affirmed gently, but firmly pursued.
• True success is living according to our values, rather than living according to our goals.
• You have to be passionate about the process and not obsessed with the results because we may get too frustrated.
• Failure hurts, but it can be a great teacher if we are willing to learn from our mistakes.
• The key to performing at your best is fully involved with the task.

As we can see, developing greater confidence may be very different from what we thought, but it is possible to achieve it. We just have to maintain a flexible, proactive and practical attitude.