Selfishness In Love: Give Me Everything For Nothing
Selfishness in love causes real personal catastrophes. There are those who, despite wearing their full grown adult costume, offer themselves to the other through a childish ‘I’ that sees in affective relationships a vehicle to satisfy their own needs. They are takers in search of givers, they are immature figures who do not understand or want to understand the language of reciprocity.
Abraham Maslow said that not all selfish behaviors are bad. Not at least until we understand what motivations guide and define them. Thus, and as an example, the fact of prioritizing ourselves and investing from time to time in ourselves responds to a behavior that is not only positive, but also recommended for self-esteem. Now, on the opposite side, on the darker reverse side, we have insane and harmful selfishness.
Erich Fromm was one of the first authors to speak precisely of selfishness in love. According to the author of The fear of freedom or The art of loving , there are those who conceive relationships as a clearly instrumental scenario oriented to take and receive. They are men and women unable to see beyond their precious personal sphere.
Selfishness in love, the fifth horseman
When the University of Washington psychologist John Gottman enunciated his famous theory about the ‘four horsemen predictors of separation’, he overlooked the dimension of selfishness in love. In his approach he spoke that the greatest dangers in a relationship are indifference, defensiveness, criticism and contempt.
We could therefore say that selfishness could rise as an equally devastating fifth horseman. However, in reality, Dr. Gottman did not include this element as an exclusive predictor of affective breakdowns, in a way because this dimension already threads each of the dimensions cited. The person who criticizes, who violates, who despises the other or avoids responsibilities suppose selfishness and this is something more than evident.
Now, as obvious as it may seem, we don’t always see it coming. Because as we well know, there are times when love hurts and hurts because in its beginnings it is usually very blind. Most of us, at some point, have risked everything for someone. We have thrown ourselves with all the cavalry by that person in appearance perfect and fascinating to finish in an emotional precipice. Because the selfish person is sibylline and deceitful in its beginnings and it is easy to fall into its spell.
Later, when he has gotten his ‘giver’, he takes advantage of him and reveals his true face. He uses emotional blackmail and manipulation to be like that black hole that engulfs everything. And no, it does not return anything that it swallows, because the selfish personality has nothing to offer us except shortcomings and disappointments.
Selfish people do not love because they do not know how to love themselves
This phrase may seem contradictory to us, but it is worth reflecting on it for a few seconds: selfishness in love arises as a result of the inability to love oneself. How is it possible? We are so used to taking for granted the idea that selfishness, like narcissism, responds to that personality profile where one only loves oneself, that we do not perceive the hidden reality of this behavior.
As Erich Fromm pointed out to us in his book The Art of Loving, the selfish person actually detests himself. He lacks self-esteem, is frustrated and so full of needs that he instrumentalizes relationships to get what he needs.
The selfish couple is empty of self-love and demands from others what they lack
A few years ago, the Department of Psychology at the State University of New York conducted a very revealing study. He compared altruistic behavior to selfishness. One thing that was clear is that altruistic people feel more personally and emotionally fulfilled. They give without expecting to receive any change. They offer their time and resources to others freely because that spontaneous act generates well-being.
Now , the selfish person claims from others what he does not have. He can (and does not want) to offer anything to those around him because the only thing he has are deficiencies. She lacks self-esteem, self-esteem, and self-assurance. Hence selfishness in love is little more than a bear trap where you try to ‘capture’ someone good enough to serve as a devoted donor.
What to do in the face of selfishness in love?
In this aspect we have two ways of answering: what to do if my partner is the selfish one and how to proceed if I am the selfish one. Here are some tips to carry out, both in one position and another:
When my partner is the selfish one
First of all, it is important to be aware that nothing changes from one day to the next, except for a trait as marked as selfishness. In this sense, if you want to continue betting on this couple, the ideal is to develop patience. If you are not willing, then perhaps the best thing is to consider the separation.
The psychoanalyst expert in bonds Adriana MartÃnez affirms that:
In this case, you should talk about it and make him understand that these positions are irreconcilable if they want to continue together.
When i’m the selfish
This will depend a lot on how much one wants to change. In addition, it is important to be aware that, if we do not give in on certain things, in the end we will lose the most important: ties and affections.
Also, it is best to start working on self-esteem. This task begins with accepting yourself – including your strengths and weaknesses – working toward your personal goals, celebrating your accomplishments, beginning to open up to others, and giving yourself the opportunity to share.
As we can see, these behaviors are as toxic as they are painful in affective matters. This reminds us, once again, of that capital principle in relation to relationships: loving yourself is the key to loving others well. Let us therefore learn to exercise it in a correct and healthy way, because unhealthy selfishness is like ships without a sail: they never lead to a good destination.
