My Partner Puts His Family First: What Can I Do?

“ My partner puts his family first, no matter the circumstance or the problem that we have to solve, each decision passes first through the filter of his parents. It’s been a long time since we’ve been three in this relationship and I don’t know what to do anymore ”. Beyond how curious this circumstance may seem to us, it occurs with some frequency and is usually not only the source of problems, but also of numerous ruptures.

We often say that when we formalize our relationship with someone and start a life together, we commit ourselves to that person; not with his family. However, to assume this, sometimes, is to sin of innocence. Each one of us brings behind us a legacy of family figures who, without the need to be present, determine us.

That is, sometimes it is not necessary for the parents or those siblings of our partner to be at home. Sometimes, they are perceived and made visible in their comments, reasoning and in those invisible mandates that continue to determine them. The weight of the family can be more or less present in each one, but being able to distance ourselves from these threads is synonymous with maturity and well-being.

When this does not happen, when someone even puts their own family before their partner or their children, great gaps are opened in coexistence. We analyze it.

My partner puts his family first: strategies to cope with this situation

We would love to have a crystal ball so we can foresee the future. Because when we start a relationship with someone we don’t always intuit or perceive certain things. What’s more, what usually happens is that even looking at some aspects, we add a golden filter called idealization. Thus, in case our partner is very familiar, it is something that we usually see favorably at first.

However, it may be that over time that familiarity with yours shows an excessive attachment. It is very possible that, at some point, we will discover overwhelmed that for our partner their parents always come first. It is true that sometimes we can understand very specific reactions, but when that tendency becomes something constant, the alarm light goes on. 

What can we do in these circumstances? We analyze it.

1. Assertive communication: my needs your priorities

When my partner puts his family first, the last thing I have to do is keep quiet. Keeping quiet while we wait for changes is not subtle or advisable. You have to make use of assertive and empathetic communication.

• State the situation calmly and clearly. Always try to give concrete examples explaining how you have felt about these reactions or behaviors. Avoid issuing accusations. It is only about exposing the reality.

• Encourage an empathic dialogue to make clear what you need and what you expect from the other person ( I hope your support, I want you to be with me when I need you, I want to be a priority and not something secondary in your life… ).
• It is quite possible that our partner is not even aware of their behavior. For him or her putting family first is common, something they have always done. You need to show that behavior is hurting the relationship.

2. You feel guilty for not spending more time with yours

One of the reasons my partner puts his family first is because he feels guilty about not spending more time with her. When a person has excessive attachment to their parents, it is very difficult to tear that “emotional umbilical cord” from one day to the next. You need to understand that not by making a life of your own, not by having a partner and by prioritizing the latter, you love your parents less.

It is recommended that you do an introspection and maturing exercise in this regard. We must remember that the quality of a relationship depends in many cases on the ability of its members to establish healthy relationships.

Studies such as those carried out at the University of Cambridge, for example, indicate that having friends and having family support is a good emotional and psychological support. However, these social networks are secondary, while the relationship of the couple is the priority.

3. Maintaining privacy is respecting: forbidden to share details with the family

Something that usually happens with high frequency is sharing private facts with third parties; in this case, with our partner’s family. Conversations, problems, discussions, short and long-term projects … Many of those things that you share in intimacy with your loved one end up reaching their parents and siblings.

Almost without knowing how, figures that have nothing to do with your relationship end up giving their opinions and even deciding for your partner. For him or her it can be something habitual because he has always done it. Let’s be clear, we cannot tolerate these types of situations.

When my partner puts his family first, it is common for intimate and private events to end up getting airy and this is a red barrier that we will not be able to allow and that we will put in advance.

4. Avoid resentment: set limits and make changes

When we have as a partner someone who maintains very close ties with his family, it is common to feel like a foreigner in one’s own home. It is like being a strange element that does not find its place. These situations are not healthy and the last thing they will bring us is happiness.

In the event that the couple puts their family first in each circumstance, we must avoid resentments or hatreds towards our in-laws. Doing so is making the situation even worse. Let’s apply a constructive vision, one with which to try to re-educate the couple in what it means to have a relationship, in maintaining an authentic commitment. To do this, we will set limits and propose changes:

• We respect that family (both the other party’s and our own) is relevant. However, we will always be the priority for each other. Being a priority is knowing how to love.
• Problems are solved between us. It is forbidden to interfere with third figures.
• Family visits are agreed and defined. It is not permissible that they appear without warning or that we are always available to them.

• Any needs, wants, or concerns are shared with the partner first.

5. When my partner puts his family first, he will be forced to choose sooner or later what he wants

At some point, you will have to. We know that it is not good to force the loved one to choose between us and his family, but there are circumstances that are not permissible. If we are going through a bad time, we will not see with good eyes that the person we have chosen as a life partner prefers to spend the day with their parents.

Nor is it understandable that every day and every moment they put the needs and desires of their parents before those of their own partner. You will have to choose because, even if you want to, no one can live with two emotional bands.

The lack of maturity in emotional matters hurts. And excessive attachment to parents in adulthood leads to links doomed to suffering and failure.