I Feel Like I Don’t Fit In, What Do I Do?

I feel that I do not fit in, what can I do? … There are many who, in a way, spend a huge amount of their precious energy trying to integrate, to be like others, to be part of groups, even renouncing their own individuality to find a one. sense of belonging. In most of these cases, we forget a basic aspect: the exceptional of being unique, different from the rest.

Now, there is one aspect that we are all clear: there are people who suffer the weight of stigma, of isolation. As social creatures that we are we need not only to interact with others. In turn, we yearn to feel part of something, of someone, we undoubtedly seek a minimum sense of belonging, security and those roots from which to continue growing in our personal project.

Thus, and although sometimes they talk to us about the importance of reinforcing our individuality, of empowering the “magic” of being different, in reality, it would only be about knowing how to balance the balance. We all suffer from that uncomfortable duality between what we are and what we must show the world to be accepted.

Therefore, well-being would start from not losing the essences and the sense of self. The key is to be accepted by people who are significant to us, by beings capable of appreciating everything we are, with our particularities, greatness and even insecurities.

I feel like I don’t fit in and I suffer for it

It’s hard not to feel like a stranger in this world. There are moments when it seems that we are going against the tide, that we are stateless on a stage where everyone seems delighted with the same melody, while we are inspired by another. We are perhaps, like those fascinating trees, the jacarandas that bloom in a purple hue while around them, others only do it only in green.

When I feel like I don’t fit in, I suffer for it (a norm as real as it is frequent). Even more, the complicated thing about all this is that we speak of a suffering that is very easy to chronify. Because the feeling of not feeling integrated is often born in childhood. So much so, that it is common to think that there is a problem in us, that “blooming” in a purple color, as the aforementioned tree does, is something negative. When in reality, we all have nuances that make us exceptional in the forest of life.

Bowen’s theory of life forces

Dr. Murray Bowen (1913-1990) developed the theory of vital forces in the 1950s  by observing how people develop from an emotional and natural point of view at the same time.

• Bowen explained something very valuable in this approach. This theory postulates that in the human being there are two basic vital forces at the same time as opposed.

• The first is a very powerful growth force that pushes us towards individuality, where we can build a self separated from our family, friends, society …
• The second is another equally powerful force that drives us, in turn, to seek and need emotional closeness.
• According to this approach, most of us move in that often painful duality on a daily basis. We feel different because our sense of self seeks to separate itself from the rest. However, we yearn to fit in, to be part of those dynamics where others move.

When we suffer the “stigma” of not fitting in anywhere

When I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I can’t just blame myself. At times, I can come to think that the world itself is meaningless. This is what was shown in a study carried out at the University of Michigan by doctors Gregory Walton and Geoffrey M. Cohen.

In this work it could be seen that those people who suffer the “stigma” of exclusion, constantly suffering from the “uncertainty of belonging”, experience a decrease in their motivation, in their academic and work performance and, in turn, have greater risk of ending up suffering some kind of psychological alteration.

I want to fit in what can I do?

Often times, this idea that “I feel like I don’t fit in” has its origin in the family. Our education and those dynamics that are erected in these microscenarios give us an early impression that “we are not normal”. For example, we are not in the eyes of our parents because perhaps we are not as bright as our brother.

Because we have been more rebellious, because our hobbies, tastes and passions do not fit with the family project. In this way, we can carry this brand for years, diminishing our social skills, self-concept and identity. For this reason, and to strengthen these dimensions and improve our sense of belonging, it is worth reflecting on these ideas.

Define who you are and shine it

One of the most interesting contributions that Carl Jung left us was his theory of individuation. According to this approach, one of our most important responsibilities is the following: awakening our potential, individual consciousness, overcoming fears and resistance and expressing ourselves to the world as we are. Safely and happily.

Such a process takes time. However, before “wanting to fit in with others” the best thing to do is “fit in ourselves”. We must promote self-acceptance, know who we are and what we want.

It is not about “fitting in”, all resistance creates pain

We have all tried to “fit” a piece by force in the hole of a puzzle. We realize instantly that it is useless to use force. Not when the shapes don’t match, not when the gaps don’t match the edges.

• We must understand that in reality, in life it is not about wanting to fit in, but about flow. If we try to do it by force, we will suffer and we may even choose to give up part of who we are by integrating ourselves into a wrong puzzle.
• We must understand that there will be people, places and groups with whom we feel identified and others with whom we do not. Furthermore, in our journey to find a sense of belonging with someone, we can make a thousand variations until we find our ideal space.

Be yourself every day of your life and your “tribe” will come to you

Nothing happens if we make our own trip alone for a while. During that journey, we will just celebrate ourselves. Sometimes, by following the rhythm of a most singular passion or impulse, we end up finding our own “tribe”; that where everything harmonizes, where we are accepted and valued for each nuance, for each so special nook.

To conclude, if I feel like I don’t fit in, the first thing we can do is reduce that distress. Managing fears, polishing insecurities, and brightening one’s sense of self and self-esteem muscle will help us find our place.