How To Cope With Widowhood

The final loss of a spouse or partner is a specific and complex type of grief. Facing widowhood is a difficult process that implies a great change in our expectations and our lifestyle. When you live as a couple, whether you want one or not, you always think and live in terms of “two”. Suddenly, that ends.

As in all grief, not only does the loss itself count , but also the circumstances in which it occurs. One challenge is to face widowhood at 30 years old and a very different one to do it at 70. Likewise, it is one thing to permanently lose the partner after a disease process and another to do it when death suddenly occurs.

Also influencing, of course, the bond that existed with the spouse. Paradoxically, the  most complicated relationships tend to generate more complex duels. Facing widowhood without having resolved underlying problems with the partner introduces additional difficulties.

The first feelings when facing widowhood

Usually the first thing you experience when you lose your partner is profound bewilderment. This includes feelings of denial , confusion, and disbelief. When someone with whom we live daily and with whom, well or badly, we have built a life project is lost, much of ourselves also dies with that person.

Every time someone we love dies, a great emptiness arises in us and we feel a deep nostalgia for what was and is no longer. However, in the case of the couple, this covers even minimal aspects. We have to relearn little things, like sleeping without the other next to us, making family decisions without consulting him; it’s even hard not to have someone to scold him.

Due to this interdependence,  it is usual to experience the feeling of not knowing who you are and not knowing what to do from then on. The presence, and now the absence of that person, is everywhere. This increases restlessness and anguish. Therefore, that first stage of the duel is not easy.

The risks of facing widowhood

There are people who have a greater risk of falling into pathological grief when facing widowhood. Some characteristics make them particularly vulnerable in these circumstances. These factors intensify feelings of worthlessness and make it harder to get over the loss.

The characteristics that determine this greater vulnerability are the following:

• Low or unstable socioeconomic status. If the person has financial difficulties, many debts or unresolved financial problems, they will tend to feel more strongly about the loss of their spouse.

• Absence of close family. The absence of a family support network increases the feeling of handicap.
• Submission relationship with the spouse. The sudden confrontation with one’s own individuality can generate fears or feelings of helplessness and abandonment.
• Ambivalent feelings in front of the spouse. This makes the process of accepting the loss more tortuous.
• Introversion and shyness. Those who have difficulties expressing what they feel tend to make grief more difficult.
• Little children. When there are children in full raising, facing widowhood is more complex.
• Others. The feelings of guilt associated with the spouse, deaths in violent circumstances, the disappearance of the corpse and previous states of depression are factors that increase the risk of pathological grief.

What to do in the face of widowhood?

There is no perfect and specific formula to face widowhood, but there are behavior guidelines that can help in this difficult situation. The first of them is to try to accept what happened, without feeding ideas about what could have been different, compared to what was done or not done. Those hypotheses do not lead to anything constructive.

You have to think that grief is a long process that cannot be overcome overnight. For this reason, we must prepare to spend time with the feelings of pain present. There is nothing wrong in it. In fact, it is important to accept and respect the fact that we are suffering. The task is to increase self-care: eat well, exercise, try to get enough sleep, etc.

It is good to talk with friends or family about the subject or participate in a support group for people who go through similar situations. If necessary, consult a psychologist if we see that the pain is very intense and we cannot find the way to overcome it. It’s also good to get a medical check-up.

It is not good to make important decisions in the short term. Life has changed and little by little we will find a way to adapt to the new situation, but the relevant decisions must be the consequence of a slow reflection. It is good to support ourselves in activities that we like and in people that we like. The duel needs, among other elements, time.