Decision Making In The Couple

In all couples there are moments in which decisions must be made, which, although they may be more or less important, generate a situation in which it is necessary to negotiate. Although we get along very well with our partner, it is normal that we do not agree on everything and that there are differences when making a decision. Furthermore, decision-making in the couple is more than positioning oneself for or against “something” because making a decision as a couple is proof of the strength and harmony of that union.

In this article we will try to identify the variables that influence decision-making in the couple and the problems that may arise in those moments when they have to choose a path, take a risk, make a big change or miss an opportunity. . In this sense, we will focus on the most important and frequent decisions in which a conflict may exist:

• If there is a relationship crisis or when you have been together for some time (and the feelings are not the same), the doubt may arise about staying together or separating.
• Take the step and start coexistence.
• Spending time with the family of origin of each one (for example: weekend at the in-laws’ house, Christmas, kings, etc.).
• Get marry.
• Have children.
• The type of education given to children.
• That one change jobs and, either, one has a long-distance relationship or the couple changes their place of residence.
• An infidelity or considering other rules in the relationship (example: open relationship or polyamory).
• The time for oneself that each member of the couple has.

What influences decision-making in the couple?

Self-confidence

The image you have of yourself and the ability to feel that your opinion is valid and has weight influences the entire decision-making process in the couple. If you are a self-confident person, you will have enough support to defend what you believe in and influence the final decision. That is, a person with self-confidence has an active role in the decisions that are made in their partner, while someone with insecurities will be in the shadow of what the other party says and decides.

Likewise, self-confidence helps you not shut up for fear of rejection. Positioning ourselves above fear when a sensitive issue has to be discussed as a couple is the key to having a say in the decisions that are made. Insecure people sacrifice their ability to influence in favor of looking good, they tend to say what others want to hear or what avoids conflict.

The place that the other occupies within the shared life project

On the other hand, when you have to make a decision as a couple, a key aspect is the place that the other person has in your ideal for the future or life project. Thus, the decision-making process as a couple is based more on the future than the present, what does this mean?

That the potential we see in our partner to accompany us on a new path plays a very important role , for example: having children, getting married, going to live together. Decision-making in the couple is based more on the anticipations that we make in our mind than on the reality that we live with that person.

In this sense, in his theory of love, Sternberg raised how three components are necessary for there to be a complete and mature love, and one of those components is commitment. But, it does not refer to the commitment at the legal level, of fidelity or relationship, but to the commitment to the future of the relationship.

Thus, for decision-making to be a successful process, there must be a commitment: to work as a team to achieve common goals.

Your communication skills and the other’s ability to understand you

Good communication skills are essential to share fears, doubts, hopes and wishes. Think that verbalizing  everything that comes to your mind and that contributes something to the pre-decision reflective process will have a constructive potential : it will add up.

You don’t have to say everything you think, but you do need to think and feel everything you say. Otherwise, you will give way to an ambivalent and unclear communication in which there will be a lot of room for interpretation, an element without a doubt dangerous for life as a couple.

In addition, the recipient of your messages has to be able to understand what you are trying to convey with the meaning you want to give it. It means that the other has to understand what you say, know why what you say is important to you. In this sense, non-verbal communication also plays an important role.

It is impossible not to communicate, and in the context of decision-making in the couple it is necessary that what we say is consistent with the rest of the elements that we express. In this sense, any incongruity can generate a misunderstanding that causes noise (discomfort), such as showing ourselves happy to plan a wedding and deep down still thinking that marriage leads couples to failure.

Finally, I want to emphasize that the decision in the couple has to be a process shared by those who form it. In fact, the extent to which this is the case is a predictor of a longer and more satisfying life together, according to research by Kamp Dush and Taylor (2011) at Ohio University.

On the other hand, we must also make an effort to limit the external influences that may enter into the decision-making of a couple, we must prioritize what we and our partner feel, leaving the motivation to satisfy others in second place.