Commitment In Relationships

Affective relationships are usually an important aspect in our lives, whether they are family, friendship or partner. Sometimes we even consider the latter as the most fundamental for our well-being. These relationships are characterized by a union based on love, but what is this feeling really?

Much has been written about the fundamental components of love. In general, three are usually distinguished: passion, confidence, and commitment. All of them are important to maintaining a good relationship. For this reason, its creation and maintenance should be one of the priorities for all those who wish to be as a couple.

In this article we are going to reflect on commitment in relationships. Of the three components of love, this is the most controversial. In general, compromise is viewed as a good thing; but to what extent is that true?

However, before beginning to analyze whether commitment in relationships is beneficial or not, it is necessary to learn to distinguish it from the other two components of love. Let’s go deeper.

What is commitment?

Commitment is the will of the people in a relationship to stay together. All relationships require some degree of commitment, but there are many differences. Obviously, it will not be the same in the case of a family member, that of a friend or partner. In general, in a love relationship we will demand more commitment than in a friendship.

In simple terms, compromise is a kind of social contract that both parties accept. The fact of saying we are “friends”, “boyfriends” or “husband and wife” is what would sign that contract. The problem is that, in general, the clauses of that contract are not explicitly stated by both parties. The characteristics of this contract are usually given by what society understands that both parties must comply with.

The main objective of commitment in relationships is to  maintain some security and control within them. As this social contract exists, we can maintain a series of expectations about how the other party in the relationship should behave. This will help us to anticipate situations that may occur and act accordingly.

At the level of evolutionary adaptation, maintaining control and security in relationships would help many aspects of human life. For example, in the case of couples, having a relationship based on commitment would help in raising children; Because children are born totally defenseless and need constant care from their parents. In fact, in earlier moments in human history, if there were not two adults caring for the baby, their chances of survival were greatly reduced.

Commitment in current relationships

Now, what does this facet translate into in the present? In general, we understand that being committed involves several things:

• Do not be unfaithful. Infidelity is seen, in many cases, as a compelling reason to end a relationship.
• Intention to maintain the relationship in the future. If one of the people thinks to break up with the other shortly, the couple is considered to have no commitment.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

If we look closely at the relationships that surround us, many of them are characterized by a certain toxicity. One of the possible explanations is that  commitment in relationships can be at the core of most problems . In theory, this could be due to three factors inherent to it:

• The implicit social contract.
• The expectations that it entails.
• The control over others.

Let’s look at each of them.

Social contract

When we speak of an implicit social contract, we refer to the non-explicit conditions that are understood to be fulfilled in a couple. In many cases, people who are in a relationship do not clearly say what they expect of each other. Rather, they start the relationship with a set of ideas in mind about how each “should” behave.

In this way, each individual interprets in a different way what exactly commitment implies in relationships. Thus, while one of the parties has an idea of ​​what a couple is like, the other can think something totally different. Due to this, it is easy for a multitude of conflicts to arise due to an initial misunderstanding.

Social expectations

Another key aspect closely related to the previous one is the appearance of social expectations. When having a commitment to another person, we have a number of ideas about how he would have to behave to please us. The problem arises when someone does not meet our expectations and as a result, we feel disappointed.

In general, the two parties in the relationship will try to meet the expectations of the other. This, however, can be done at the expense of one’s own needs. This way of acting usually triggers a feeling of being alienated by the other and finally, not feeling free.

Need for control

Finally, commitment in relationships can produce a certain need for control over others. This would arise when trying to obtain security in our partner. The problem is that control can lead to emotional dependence, and therefore, cause the other person to feel overwhelmed and alienated.

Let’s not forget that autonomy is a vital human need: we cannot expect others to act according to our criteria. A relationship based on the subordination of one to the other, totally breaks with this feeling of freedom. In general, this will only create discontent and unhappiness for the two members of the couple.

conclusion

The commitment is still a mere agreement between the parties that make up a relationship. Despite being an important aspect of relationships, it should not become a central aspect of them. Taken to the extreme, it can do more harm than good.

However, most commitment problems are solved if we are able to make explicit what we expect of the other person. On the other hand, it is also  necessary that we learn to let our partner free. These two skills are essential to have a relationship that makes us happy.