Big Brothers: Between Laughter And Example
Changes in family dynamics are important. The schedules, the meals and the leisure. And what about the change of focus of attention of parents, the distribution of tasks and responsibilities. Those of you who have been older brothers will know what I’m talking about. It is important to manage all of that from the point of view of an eight or ten year old.
In that range of difference of between eight and ten years it is also when children become aware that they can feel two emotions at the same time. Feeling angry because someone comes to move your position but at the same time feeling joy because the event itself also brings positive elements. Emotional ambivalence has to be respected by adults. The key will be to explain those mixed feelings and to know that your parents understand.
Between laughter and example
For parents it seems that the challenge is raising another member of the family. Yet another challenge means readjusting the expectations and responsibilities of the firstborn. This, mishandled by excess or by default, is a difficult balance that often distances and hardens the life of the older brother. The feeling of not being an only child can lead them down two different paths (indifference or hyper-responsibility), but with equally dire consequences.
Thus, for example, it may happen that the older sibling becomes over-involved in caring for the younger siblings and may even play the role of father or mother in their absence, even in competition with them in their presence. It can become too much pressure and a way to limit older siblings’ right to make mistakes. Older siblings should adjust to that role and do tasks appropriate to their age. It will be the challenge of parents to be fair. Ideally, parents should put their older child in a position to play his role and not another.
The union of brothers is strength
“How is the oldest doing?” Is what they often ask. There are nerves, jealousy, envy, tantrums, anger … The routines and customs so sought after to give structure and influence the emotional and academic development of children take a sharp turn to be rebuilt again. And not only that, but there are new pieces to count on.
All that part of formal responsibility also hides positive emotions (fun, satisfaction and euphoria). Nothing like being an accomplice and finding that connection in which words are sometimes unnecessary. Sharing secrets, releasing tension or finding a way to disconnect is part of everything it means to have a little brother.
Sowing the seeds of trust and love is important. There the fraternal feeling will sprout, that which goes beyond genetics. The type of relationship may change over the years. Age differences place the two at completely different stages of development. The important thing is that little by little the asymmetry generated by the age difference is fading, having the possibility of being, in addition to siblings, friends. Let them both know that they are there, let them both know that they can trust each other.
