A Letter To Me: Forgive Me For Betraying You

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. Now that you are in front of the mirror and I have the courage to look you in the face, I want you to listen carefully to me. I have so much to tell you, so much to regret, that I can’t go on living pretending nothing is happening. That’s not fair.

More than once I have tried to have this conversation with you, but I was not prepared. The fear, disappointment and suffering from facing everything I have done to you in these years clung to my throat and prevented me from expressing any word … I preferred to pretend nothing was happening, in fact I came to believe it.

You know? Sometimes, we think we are ready, we think we are strong and we can handle everything, but we also deceive ourselves. And that’s what happened to me: I was walking with a blindfold over my eyes …

Right now, I can look at your face and recognize you in the mirror. I no longer run from you or my complexes. You are no longer invisible to me. I see you, I see me, I see us. I accept us.

This reunion, this rediscovery, has made me very happy, but I still feel a thorn stuck in it that does not let me fully enjoy you. Because what is a reconciliation without a sorry? Therefore, with the intention of strengthening this bond, I have written this letter to you.

Forgive me for so much misunderstanding

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. For forgetting about you, for putting you in the background, even for denying you and disguising yourself as who you were not. For camouflaging yourself, for putting on masks …

I know. Being ashamed of you has hurt you a lot. The feeling of rejection is one of the deepest emotional wounds we can experience. I have denied you and with it I have denied myself. Hiding who we are is one of the worst betrayals we can do to ourselves. It is to make ourselves invisible. And how it hurts!

I keep thinking about how bad he thought of you, of me, of us. The contempt he had for us. There was nothing you did right. I remember how I locked you up with questions to blame you and barely leave you defenseless. I didn’t care if it was the physique, the personality or a specific behavior, I could hardly stand you. At that time I believed that you had nothing to offer me, nothing that I could value …

Dear me, sorry for demanding you , for lashing you with destructive words and criticizing everything that did not meet my expectations. I know that when I talked to you, I was hardly delicate and that when you expected a gesture of affection, I would answer you coldly. Excuse me. Instead of hugging you, I distanced myself and that generated a deepening spiral of discomfort.

There are so many days that I forgot you; so many times that I silenced you, even if you asked me for help inside … I’m sorry. I closed myself to you, to me, to us until I couldn’t take it anymore, until my chest exploded from the pressure I felt and my spirits didn’t remember what it was like to feel good, calm and happy. I broke down.

And although I do not wish that situation to anyone, thanks to my shipwreck I discovered that you still existed, that you were there, waiting for my eyes to turn to you at some point. Once again, sorry for hurting you so much.

I propose a deal

From now on I want this bond that we have to be different. I want to protect you. Therefore, I propose a deal: let’s bet on us. I for you and you for me. Let’s be one, instead of the false hero and the executioner. Let’s be accomplices.

I promise to listen to you, even if it hurts sometimes. I know you have important things to tell me. Now I’m not going to take your voice away, on the contrary. If it is in my hand, I will make you express yourself stronger. I want to meet you, rediscover you, know every detail about you: what you like and what you don’t, what you are good at and what you have pending… Everything.

I do not assure you that it does not hurt you, that is impossible. We all make mistakes, but what I am telling you is that I will not do anything with bad intentions and that I will think of us. In our happiness, in being who we are. Because after trying a thousand costumes I have realized that if it is not with you, it is not with anyone. I have savored the price of betrayal and I can tell you that it is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.

I will respect you and when you feel bad, I will empathize with you. I will put myself in your place, in everything you have lived, I will try to understand you. Instead of blaming you, of inquiring into the whys, I will inquire into your why. Because only then will I be able to understand what happens to you, what removes you and what worries you.

I will embrace your fears and your hurts. Everything I have experienced has taught me that progress is not made if there is no dialogue, listening and understanding. Fighting from anger and hatred only separates me from you and plunges me into anxiety, sadness and pain. And I don’t want that for you or for me.

I know that life is hard and that there will be moments of tension and failure, moments in which we would like not to continue or change paths, but let me walk them by your side. I know that I have hurt you, that I have disappointed you, but let’s try.

I want to build bridges to wellness and acceptance with you. I want us to be one instead of two, I want this bond to grow and fill us with peace and love. I want to hold your hand again so as not to let go this time.

What are you saying, do you accept the deal?